i want to dance!
but not just for anyone.
i want to dance for God.
God is prompting me to dance right now, he gave me all the moves i need.
oh thank God.
i should really start working on the musical skit dance thingy. ha
and i got tuition!!!
i feel so excited!
hahah, i really want to improve.
"faith without deed is dead"
so yea im working hard now to see the fruits of OUR labour later on.
alos parakletos is here to help me, whom should i fear?

you broke my heart once too many times.
even if my heart could be fixed,
it would never be prefect again.
i cant give anyone a pure heart ever again.
cos the scars u left on me are too deep.
i wish i could say, yeah no problem lets get out of each other's life.
but i cant' cos i treasure friendship way more than u do.
i guess we are even now.
cos i hurted u and u hurted me.
so no more.
i want out!
is friendship really that hard to achieve?
i will leave only becos i care for u.
even if it hurts me, i will still do it for u.
thats how much u mean to me.
wish i could say u r my world.
ur everything to me.
yet it all fall on death ears.

my chains are gone
im been set free
my god my saviour
has ransomed me
and like a flood
his mercy reign
unending love
amazing grace

The Wait Poem

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said,"Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
"Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate,
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to Wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign.

You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting . . . for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love,
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask,
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you.

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see,
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

camp was _____(fill in yourself)
dragon boat was fun!
amazing race was awesome!
bash night was not too bad!

friendship:
i realised I'm not a very good friend.
I'm not supportive enough for my friends,
and i care too much for myself.
well, i believe everyone still have their good and bad points.
and what a good friend can do is tolerate and give constructive criticism to help each other improve.
i may not be the prefect friend, but i try my best:)

k this sounds so cliche, but just felt i needed to type down my raw emotions.

i cry out to u oh lord,
just like how King David cried out to u.
how much do u want me to bear?
why do u want to test my faith?
when u know I'm weak?
i see the devils surrounding me,
they are too overwhelming for me to bear.
they laugh at my lack of faith.
they grab my hair and every single part of my body.
trying to pull me apart and tear me down.
rescue me oh father!
hear my cries!
just like how u heard Israel's cries to u.
listen to my prayer.
I'm down on my knees,
begging for forgiveness and mercy for my sins.
convict me oh God,
for every sin that manifest in my body, my mind, my soul and my spirit.
make me pure and clean
so i may stand righteous at the altar.
heal me yahweh raphah!
i do not want to walk down the valley of darkness alone.
i do not want to fear the devils, instead i want to fear u!
for my flesh is weak but my spirit is strong.
in every outcome i praise u.
just like how u helped me overcome retention,
may u help me overcome this obstacle right in front of me.
in jesus name i pray,
Amen!

SPA IS GONNA KILL ME SOON!!!!!
hahas

hmmm,
went to ben church today.
fun and nice:)
i like the worship there.
gave me goosebumps
and i felt the holy spirit presence.
totally cool.
ppl there are very friendly too
especially the guys and the girls( elizabeth and zhiting i think)
hahha
i seem to be able to rmb names
yet i cant put the names and face together.
LOLz
might visit there again.
cos its in a lang i understand!!
ENGLISH!!
never loved a language so much before...

ok back to chionging for SPA

dearest father, may u bless me with wisdom and knowledge to understand the question so i may do well and may glorify ur name. AMEN!

let go mirabel!
forget it....
someone pls brainwash me

POOL IS SO FUN!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3

the crush are dying away,
is that a good thing?
i think so.
but ivy says i might revert to my 'old ways'
hmmm, i rather not crush on anyone anymore.
feels like crushes are always one-sided.
leads to nothing at all even if i wish it could be more.
gets my hope too high
that when i fall into reality
hearts are being broken.

cell was fun today.
made me really reflect.
ALOT.
words.
our tongue can build ppl up with our words,
yet with the same tongue we curse and swear.
how can we praise and the same time curse?
it is not right...
its like contradicting ourselves.
the troubling thing is,
no matter how hard u try,
watever u say would be remembered for life by the person
be it a hurtful remark or a negative remark.
as much as u try to forget it,
it just stays in our head.
no matter how much u do to amend for ur mistakes,
it doesnt really change anything.
thats where the saying," whats done is done"
yea, we can say sorry and forgive the person.
but thats all we can do.
so important to do:
tame ur tongue:)

to all ppl who i had hurt before,
pls forgive me.
really am sorry if i said somthing nasty...

to someone: thank you:) u did something to make my day. and im really sorry. i dont know how many apologises i had already said to u, but i just cant get rid of the guilt in me. i feel i owe u big time. also knowing the fact that ur friends told u to do something to me, yet u being so nice didnt take any action. just make me feel like a witch.ha. i accepted u out of so many wrong reasons, and decided to leave it becos it was so selfish. maybe u can say its like making up for a mistake i commited. still, the scar is there. only time can heal it. and its really too bad for me, that i didnt appreciate u in the first place. wasting both urs and my time. now that i starting to fall for u, its kidda too late? feels like god is punishing me for my mistake. oh wells... and i have not got over u... thats bad. nevermind. go and enjoy urself with ur friends especially someone. i dont really want to care abnout it anymore. just 1 thing, some hurting me by doing something(u know wat) if u say u haven got over me yet. u by doing that, jus makes me feel that u are trying to annoy me. totally not funny... LOL

Aaron, Ben, Remus, Pete TALK TO ME!!!!! IM TOTALLY BORED HERE. ENTERTAIN ME ESPECIALLY AARON AW! HAHAH! MISSING U GUYS....:(

191009 THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE
nah its not the best day cos its my bday
neither is it best cos its a holiday for us
but becos of these wonderful ppl:)










ur made my day! love u guys so much:)
this is like our clique already lar! hahha
no wait shortie no in pic.
by that i mean desmond.

the 2years of friendship in p5 and p6 really bonded us.
i miss u all and love u guys so much.

i love the part when we played truth or dare and taking pics and eating together as class and plying pool!
next time we shall kayak together ok!:):):)
all if u have not goten back ur results yet, all the best ok! imsure u will do well.
u hear me francine! u can do it!

and i can be promoted!!! yayness! thank you dearest father! forholding on my future so tightly. never ever letting me go. never ever giving up hope on me. mdm ang and mrschung were vey nice to me this time round. mrs chung leh. wow!

talked alot with ivy about BOYS. hahha HTHT is so nice. we were like counting our crushes in our school. but they are off limits even if they r available.haha! personal vow to myself.LOL. shortie! , my bday can help u score a B3 or better for HMT so dont worry! have faith!!!! love u <3 and no worries wont 'snatch ur guys' LOL. off limits i know. hahahahha!

to someone: if love is so precious, i believe the feelings will never ever die if u have to wait for 5years. if it was meant to be then nothing can take it away.;) i dont wanna decide now. should say too heartbroken already. 1cor13 tells us all about love. broke so many rules of it. the very first, love is patience. HAH if ur close to me, u will know what im talking about.

i choose to forgive u even though u hurt me, becos WWJD? he would forgive. we may not talk now are even have anything to do with each other but there is no way i can ever forget u:) i know u did well in ur studies especially ur emath. thats good maths has been ur weakest sub. keep it that way and dont let me run into ur thoughts. i may be cruel and mean but its all for urs and my sake. one day, u will understand...

In times like these, i jus see god wonderful and powerful love for me. he has so much plans to prosper me and not to harm me. jeremiah!

395/800 for overall.
failed 4subs too.
my God, this is bad
but thankfully haven include all the other test which i took this term. and also thankfully all this test passed!:) awesome.
not to mention that u have to add all four terms results together so that mean i met the criteria to promote i guess.
cross fingers and pray hard.

i might be forced to drop my subs though.:(
nvrmind wats done is done.
at least in every paper i gave Go my best shot.
didnt give up til the last minute.

he will open a way, when there seems to be no way:)

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!
OH THANK YOU GOD!
FINALLY OVER!
YES!!!
though i dont have a good feeling that i did well, but i know very well i gave god my best shot.
even if results doesnt turn out the way i hope it would be, its ok to me:)
i prepared the field as much as i could, i hope u Lord will be please with it:)
Amen!

today, i realised that i have alot of learning to do.
1) that i need God so badly in my life.
2) life in not about me and my problems
3) everything works in his time
4) i love my brother very much and i miss him alot
5) i need to resect my brother and show him love
6) i pray that my brother comes back to God
7) i need to respect authorities like Mrs Chung
8) i have to seize the moments with my parents as they might not be her tmr
9) BGR can wait(HAH!)
10) time cannot heal emotional wounds BUT God can!
11) with lots of prayer meditation and fasting, i believe God can see my sincerity to change and he will give me strength whenever i am weak to overcome any temptation
12) i have to trust and obey his leading
13) self cutting is stupid
14) i should just shave my hair bald if it continues to drop(HAH!)
15) i can use dance to praise God
16) i need to find my old self back, the one who always smiles and used to be called sunshine:)
17) childlike faith can bring me a long way

also looking through past videos and photos i realised i have nice long thick hair!
hahhaha cos i really miss my hair. anyway, beside that point, i realise i am very close to ppl like caleb and isaac and all the guys.ha! maybe i was tomboy then...

i should slp soon. already 2am

never thought i fear death so much.
my actions was so stupid.
wasnt thinking straight.
totally scarred myself, not a good way.
hopefully those scars would heal.

at times i feel like giving up.
it seems easier to sit back and let fear and pain and rejection and wat nots to overwhelm me.
but what good would it do?

u did the right thing.
so thankful that u understood how i felt.
the fact is:
it hurts when we talk
i still love u
i still miss u
i have not got over u 1 bit
...

shall go on a hiatus for 2weeks
hopfully it helps.

hensey u are such an idiot!
why did i care about the friendship with u??
im such a fool.
ur no longer worth my time.
my loss not mine.
i hate u!

LAST POST:
can i die lord.
i dont want to continue anymore.
this war is just too hard to fight.
why is it always my fault that everything ends up this way.
what did i do again?
it has always been my fault, right from the start.
i caused everyone unhappiness.
i hate the 3letter word: bye
they always said that stupid word it me.
and it is always becos i did something or said something that made them not happy.
yea, maybe everything is really my fault.
my whole life was a mistake.
i should have never been born.
to many people eyes, im jus a bad kid, someone who never does something good.
if im gone, i bet no one would very miss me.
in fact, they will be much happier.
i will be 1 less burden in this world.

i no longer believe in love.
i can no longer trust anyone.

I AM SORRY has and hen and everyone else who knows me.

gone for good

I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don't want to hear them say
"You're no good at this"

When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears

Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life

Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I'm meant to be
Melting in your hand

Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see

Cut away
All within me
That won't bear fruit
Cut away
All within me

whatever shit u threw to me, i jus have no choice but to accept it right???
i want to run
i want to hide
i dont want to care about anything anymore!
but too bad im not this kind of person...

exams are in 2 days.
i cannot afford to let you flood my mind with everything about u.
from yesterday onwards, i shouldnt cry for u anymore.
i cant hold on to u when ur not mine anymore.
its not right.
im wont be jealous cause there no point being jealous.
i wont benifit at all.
i will just hurt myself more and more deeply.
wake up bel, stand up and walk!

something are holding on that makes one stronger, somethings is letting go.



im gonna make daddy jesus proud of me!
i will prove ppl wrong.
i will do well.
i will prepare the field for the rain.
then daddy jesus can show his power in my weakness.
we will see miracles
and hopefully revival in our sch.
praying that every heart humbles themselves and give all to the almighty.
all glory to him.
if i win i will praise him, if i lose i will STILL praise him!
Amen.

u stab me so hard that i started to bleed again.
scars make u stronger for life huh?
im bleeding literally in love,pain,guilt,hurt,regret......
perhaps u can say its jealousy that makes me feel this way
i dont know, but im trying to act like i dont care which is really hard.
cause it matters to me. ALOT!
maybe becos i still cant help but miss u.:(
exams are in 3days and my mind is flooded with u.
why?!!!
i wanted to stand up again, but i heard u and i got pulled back to where i was nce again.
no, im not blaming u.
i never wanted to blame u for anything.
blame myself for all that has happen.
blame myself for hurting u, blame myself for fucking both our lives up when i should have said no, blame myself for all the regret...
if anyone was at fault, i should be the culprit.
though i dont think the person who i want him/her to read this is reading this, i just hope my message get across...

ur still someone special in my heart.