haven blogged for quite a few days.
going on a hiatus again.
EOY coming in 1 week one.
so til then, see ya.

sometimes is holding on that make us stronger, sometimes it is letting go...
the feeling of loving someone who cant repay back that love.
the feeling of missing that someone special.
the feeling of forgiving someone who has hurt u so badly.
is it really possible???
well, God can. so i can:)

in ur time, in ur time. u make all things beautiful in ur time Lord.

why do we humans only start realizing they liked something and miss that thing so much when it gone? who was i fooling, only msyself. iu fell so hard, i feel that im being burn out now.

where is the rainbow? rainbow of promise?
all i see is the dark clouds.
im looking forward to the sunshine and rainbow after every shower...
oh God, pls let me see a rainbow tmr to show me that ur are there!

these wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just to real. there is just too much that tie cannot erase...

what the F am i doing???!!!
why do i even add Hen back!
stupid stupid stupid!!!
sigh.
i should never had talked to has.
made me wanna cry again.
but i feel happy for u now.
cos u moved on.
and u finally accepted my apology or at least thats what i believed.
and thats what i choose to believe.
i feel a slight freedom from this guilt i had when u said i forgive u.
i would definitely choose to remember those happy moments.
ur like a rainbow faded in an twinkle of an eye, gone too soon.

for me,
i fall everytime i stand.
i take 1 step forward and slide 3steps back.
it only seems to get harder and harder every time i try.
perhaps im trying just too hard like what peter said.
i really need God right now.
to ask him to give me patience to let time heal.
he is the only one that can help me now.

i still hold on to this hope.
no matter what happens, no matter how long i have to wait.
i still believe and choose to believe that we can be back to talking terms again.
it may be hard but it is not impossible.
6months,1year,2years,5years, i dont mind the wait.
u may be mean to me by stating ur stand clear u do not want to be friends with me,
but that would not stop me for pinning on this hope.
there is something in me that have faith things will change.
i know it takes 2 hands to clap.
but my hand is always there and always will be there.
waiting for u.

i knew it would end.
i just didnt know it would end so badly and hurt so badly:(

NEVER WILL I EVER AGAIN GIVE MY HEART AWAY

hmmm, today is not a good day:(
i think its becos i have free time.
and free time is not good.

kept thinking of u.
and looking through my msg.
ok note to self: DO NOT LOOK AT UR SMS!
ha...

anyway, i should be happy that u are moving on well.
its just that i feel kidda sad:(
sad becos i feels like im the only one still holding on.
sad becos u dont really care about me anymore(well u are not obliged to care, so yea...)
sad becos we seem like total strangers to each other
sad becos i dont even know whether time can help make us friends again.

boy you sure move on quickly.
perhaps its becos u got experience?
or maybe becos ur a guy.
and it may come off more easier for u.
u said i will move on faster, but looks like im having a harder time.

nevertheless, i should feel happy for u.
ur free now. at least thats what i believe.
letting u go for ur happiness and free from bondage.
this is the only reason why i dont sms u, dont talk to u.
and just give u space.

ur little actions pierced my heart.
every word u say or write jus seems like its jus for me.
But, i was so wrong.
u seem to care for me, but at the same time u dont.

i honestly still miss u, ur presense, ur daily sms, seeing ur facebook(LOL), talking on msn, miss walking u to kovan MRT, sending me home, going out together and the list goes on and on.
oh wells, i should put that aside and start mugging.
after all, mugging help me keep my mind off u.

regret, and heartache and guilt jus feel my heart.
i pray of lord, he blesses u with a good day, having friends around u and take good care of u.:)

i feel like a stupid girl.
why is it just so hard???
u got over real fast huh.
hmmm okay forget it.

talked to Caroline,
she is an awesome person to get advice from:)
even though she seems like a logical person,
she can get very sentimental and emotional...
and she is also someone who is very cheerful.
what she said was comforting.
i should just be myself.
stop trying to please everyone.
its ok to be unhappy,
its ok to be sad,
its ok to complain to your friends or ask advice from your friends,
its ok to blow up in other words be angry.
i just have to pick myself up again after every fall.
i cannot go on being unhappy.
i should not let the problem affect my mood and the way i treat people.
i have to try to be happy.
and of course say sorry to those i offended unintentionally.:)

BEWARE CHEM AND PHY!
I WILL CONQUER U ONE DAY!!!
THOSE FEW DAYS WERE PAINFUL,
BUT AFTER A WHILE ITS GETTING EASIER ALREADY.
I HOPE YOU CAN PUT ME ASIDE AND CONCENTRATE ON YOUR STUDIES
AS WELL AS SPEND TIME WITH UR FRIENDS:)

hope is a powerful word.
quoted from pete blog:
the strong have hope, the hopefuls are strong.
i HOPE we can be friends again.

speaking of friends,
they are amazing creatures that God create and placed in my life.
we go through thick and thin together.
and they are the people who puts up with whatever shit i give them.
they are frank to us to help us improve.
they are people who understand you inside out.
they know your strengths your weakness.
and they last longer than relationships.
whatever it is, im just thankful to have friends!!!

i have fallen short of his mighty glory.
i may have sin against you
and i may face many problems in life like friends,boys,or just school work...
BUT
i am pleasantly surprise that God is enthralled by me and i am not a wallflower.
you is madly in love with me.
you does not judge me for my every mistake i make.
rather you and your angels rejoices everytime i repent.
you cares for me more than anyone in this world
you gave your precious son's life for our salvation
your grace is more than enough
therefore all of my hope should be pin on you

i am terribly sorry ppl!
especially my dearest friends...
im been too called up in my own world,
that i forget that this world is not about me.
i thought as friends i could complain everything to you, but never did i realise your feel like i complain too much.
and i didnt know that sometimes i want things my way?
i thought friends are suppose to be there to support and comfort us when we feel sad.
but i also didnt know your feel ur have the rights to not comfort me.
like ur dont have to sympathise me...
perhaps i have grown up in a fairy tale world where i can always rely on my friends to support me and comfort me whenever i fall.
then when i tell too much of my problems, ur will feel i am too much.
ur give in to me when i throw tantrum?
no wonder Ms S dare not tell us about her problems cos she feel she is a bother to others.
im always unhappy...
have this glum face.
and ppl around me will feel really negative:(
i didnt want to purposely put the show my unhappy face around u guys.
im not unhappy becos of ur.
im unhappy becos of studies, dance, him, my secret, my stupid hair(lol), my not close walk with god......
im sorry if i made ur feel i am unhappy with u guys
becos i cant take the stress in 3e3.
the subjects are hard.
at times like this, i feel like dropping already.
i put alot of burden on others and at times i feel that way too.
i lose my temper easily and easily agitated.
that i agree. i pissed myself up at times.
i take ppl for granted??? i didnt know. but im sorry if i did.
i am rude!
im such a spoilt brat!
i need a attitude adjustment.
im so sorry guys.
bear with me for a while
i promise to change.
just need a little more time...
okays?:)
i will smile more, i will try to control my temper, i will talk more happy stuff, i wont complain in front of u guys anymore(i try)
i will share my unhappiness for my loving father then. he will never get angry or find me a bother...:)

term 4 has started.
everything is running as usual.
school still starts at 7.15am, i still wake up at 6am for school.
cca and lessons still run as normal.
tests and exams are coming our way.
BUT, there is just one thing missing.
You...

i seriously miss all the times we spent together...
oh wells.:(

time to move on.
time for some space between us.
letting go.
setting u free.
and this is the only thing i can do now for u.
for our good.
though it sucks at times...
no other way to sorry than this already.
i still feel so guilty.:(
hope my wish will still come true

I HAVE DECIDED.
I WILL MOVE ONE.
I SHOULD JUST LET GO.
GO ON BEL, JUS MOVE!

i woke up at 11 today:)
cos i was praying and crying until like 1am...
wow, i felt SOOO MUCH BETTER after singing and crying and jus telling my dearest lover(God) how i truly felt and just screaming out all those fear that is calling out my name.
my lover also help me overcome my tempt. wooohooo!
praise be to the lord!
i will overcome it with God's help no matter how long or hard it takes...
fill me with the spirit again.
he who is in me is far stronger than he who is against me, therefore whom shall i fear?
Amen!

oh thanks MISS S for the wonderful pencil case and Cross... I LOVE IT!
MISS F thanks for the post yea!
in all thanks babes...
and u ivy TAN, u r a babe too! ahha:)

when i think of OBS, i think of u.
the time we practice belaying, u were my belayer.
when i couldnt climb the rock wall, u said nvm its ok.
when we did kayaking, u made all of us laugh cos of ur friend John.LOL
during land expedition, u were the one leading songs to encouraging us.
u also kept talking about ur ex during camp and all of us felt so weird. haha
finding tent pegs together with syahirah and kian hong was all so funny becos kian hong couldnt find a single one!
when you did trust fall, ALL of us thought we were going to die! LOL cos u know ur size is so BIG! Strongman! said by waimin...:)
when it was the last day, you went into emo state. no one knew why... i knew why.
this are just some parts of my memories which i can really really well.

too many memories of u...
msgs,photos,number,msn and pastconversation on msn,blog,fb,OBS,going out tog
so hard to let go.
i feel like an evil person now.
but my friends say what i am feeling and what i did is normal.
is it?
really?
im confused...
and how come this one hurts so much more than the other?
move on bel,move on...

oh i cant log into facebook.sian lar!!!
things to be done:
1)finish hw
2)start revising for exam
3)plan my timetable and targetsetting(which i dont realy follow) hahha
4)the old has gone the new has come.(try to guess wat i mean)
5)catch up with my friends as much as i can:)
6)forget YOU, lets be friends!=D
7)pack my room AGAIN~!~!
8)and last be not least,God.

im gonna sing sing sing im gonna shout shout shout im gonna sing im gonna shout praise the lord!!! when the gates are open wide im gonna side at jesus side im gonna sing im gonna shout praise the lord!!!
i should change sing to sing and play
and
shout to dance to you
hahha cool!!!:)ok random....
ohhh i love this sunday school song so many fond memories....
AHHH i miss children sunday school ALOT!!!

i dont keep things to myself becos i dont trust a person.
its becos i find my self a bother...
i mean who would not get sick of listening to me.
i would get sick of talking about it too.
anyway i feel so small as compared to charmaine
just 4 and she has cancer!
but she is a strong girl.
she fighting the 'monster'
even hair dropping doesnt matter to her now.
she just want her life back
perhaps she should be my inspiration and determination
when i feel sad cos of my hair, i should see life the way she sees it!
so if u see that im upset and i dont want to say why.
this is the reason becos of stupid hair!LOL

i hate myself at times.
i dont want to be over sensitive and emotional
yet i became too open to some ppl.
i cant do anything to please EVERYONE right...
do i have self respect for myself???
i dont know.
what u said made my heart hurt deeply.
i feel like a cheap person right now.
perhaps that is ur impression of me now uh?
i told u my secrets becos u wanted me to say.
yet u r using them against me now.
u wanted me to be open and no secrets at all,
yet u say im too open now.
SO DO I HAVE SELF RESPECT?
i dont even know...

i cried 6times today.
thankfully i have ivy,cheryl,edith,james,peter,francine and shuying for help.
u guys really supported me.
thank you for cheering me up ok.
i love you all.:)
i especially love u franny and shu...
our sang love song to me!
hahah
so sweet man...
and u peter!
yes u!
haha singing christian songs helps!

im not gonna hide that i am really sad and hurt and regretful over this.
but i think this is wat god wants
and wat i want
i love you too much to make u stay, baby fly away...
time will heal i guess
jus hope we will be friends again
and dont blame urself

in the mean while,
i need therapy!
there is a trend that is happening again...
i gotta ask god for help on this one.
perhaps im sending the wrong signal.
or perhaps it is becos i lost my morals
or maybe i didnt follow god's leading
or really jus maybe i didnt respect myself well enough...
haix
i shall ask god for help to overcome my deepest darkest secrets...
i think i will start fasting and praying now.


wat can i ever do with ppl like u!

dear lord, i dont know what to say...
im confused yet at peace right now
i know deep in my heart
that this is wat u want me to do
cos u knew this would happen

i was flying now i am falling...
did u really care? about US?
perhaps it was just a illusion on my part...

it feels like death to me.
somehow death seems like a very tempting offer right now.
i know very well the pain many patients go through.
the pain is all too familar to me...
dont ask me what it is.
i feel so scared.
i feel abandoned!
ABBA Father, dont leave me please!
take it away...
its too much of a struggle.
RESCUE ME! MY KNIGHT AND SHINING ARMOR!
DIE SATAN DIE!!! IM NOT GONNA GIVE UP THE BATTLE, IM GONNA WIN THIS WAR!!!

THIS CLASS WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED BY ALL OF US!
6i ROCKS TO THE CORE!!!
even though we dont meet alot... i feel the class bond is so strong, its so hard to tear apart.

comparing 6I and 2E1. i dont know. both are good in their own ways:)
but i think i dislike about 2E1 is that there are many cliques.
in 6i i can practically talk to EVERYONE. even the guys.
and my GREAT DARLINGS in 2E1 are not exactly around during recess. u know why...
so i feel kidda lonely during recess
some of them will sit with their other friends and some are prefect or in special treatment club(STC).... so im left alone:(
guys quickly get out of STC!

teachers day performance was not so bad after all.
im talking about the modern dance...
i saw our video of us performing, it was actually watchable!:)
GOOD JOB GUYS:)
especially good job to sec1 and sec2
cos i have to admit the dance chreography was BAD!
but u didnt grumble much, and i could see ur at least putting in effort to dance so
a big THANK YOU!
anyway, im kidda sad that this will be my last teacherday performance.
cos of MR B, he doesnt allow sec4 to perform.
heck!

speaking of MR B,
i really hate him nowadays
i mean why does he has to be so BUDGET!
other govt-adied sch get to travel more than us.
this is so unfair!
furthermore, we are sec3 this year.
it is our VERY LAST YEAR to travel oversea:(
i was really hoping to go RUSSIA/QUEENSLAND and BALI at the end of this year.
thats all i ask let me travel to this courty with the school and im satisfied.
please lord, answer this prayer?

and last but not least,
things arent getting better YET.
kind of scares me but all i have left is FAITH:)